Just when I thought it was safe to go near the water!

We have had quit a busy little life lately there is no doubt about that. With that being said why is it that as soon as you get yourself all picked up it feels like a right hook just came out of no where. It has been a while now since my m/c, most of the emotional junk put behind me I thought I was doing pretty good over here. Until I get here yesterday to work, open my email, and there is this wonderful email:

Hello All,

Just wanted to share some good news with you.....my husband and I are expecting our first child this May!!!! I'm done with the first tri-mester and everything looks good so far.....fingers crossed that it will continue this way!

Kindest Regards,


Now I know that this is a happy time for my friend here. And believe me when I say that I did want to feel happy for her. But reading this and her baby coming in May just hit a little close to home. I am getting past it now and I have congratulated her and I am trying to move on but frankly it has been on my mind most of the day yesterday and today.

What really stinks is that this came right as I was growing accustomed to the idea of not having more children. Now I start thinking of this little one again and that just isn’t good…..Okay so big sigh!

There now that I have that off my chest I feel better. My husband on the other hand is worried again. We had his work Christmas party last night and that was great to get out … especially during the week. I don’t remember the last time that we went out during the week. It isn’t worth it to me to feel tired all day at work.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving….more to come later!

M

No more bloodwork for this girl!!

Well as grumpy as I am today it just figures that is when I get the good news of no more tests! Thank the Lord let me tell you!!!

More to come later on the happy hunter ....

M

Okay so it is Hunting Season! Yuck!!

And true to Michigan the weather is holding up nicely with lots of rain, wind, and cold temps. Yet with all that being said, this is why all our men (most anyway) decide to get up at 4am and go sit outside waiting for a deer to unfortuanatly cross their path so that they can shoot their big guns! Yes they go out, pump out their chests and become real men. Bring home meat for women!! (Tim Allen would probably throw in a grunt or two right about here.)

Then there are men like in my case where they go out, freeze their asses off, drink way too much, gamble all their money away, and then become completely useless to the rest of society for a minimum of 10-15 days while they prepare for the hunt, go to the hunt, and then discuss the same old stories inside out over and over again until there is not a person on the planet that has not heard of the one that got away, and then recoupperate from the hunt as well!!!



So let's discuss how this really went. Last week loving husband decided that we haven't had enough germs in the house and he caught the cold that has circled it's ugly little head all around between us in this house.. So what did he do? NOTHING!! A BIG FAT NOTHING FOR 3 DAYS STRAIGHT!!! No work, no help with the kids, heck, the man didn't even get out of bed for most of that 2 day period. So as he sat around feeling all sorry for himself who shows up, his mommy! That's right kids, as if dealing with a sick man isn't enough now we have to add to the mix the loving mommy who feeds into it and brings him medicine from a doctor who should frankly be put out of business in my opinion. (Someone really should regulate these pills, herbs, and inhalants these holostic doctors somehow manage to get away with selling. My mother-in-law has spend billions on this crap that is just pointless... but that is another blog entirely!!)

So now that the ugly little circle is continuing and I also have this cold, what am I doing? EVERYTHING!!! And this is a true must as he needs to go sit out in the cold rainy woods to find food for our family right? Yes I am sick AGAIN!!! That makes the 1,386,428th time this year alone. Fine, I'm getting pretty good at having a snotty little nose and a sore throat. Here is where the problems lie...

Our week at a glance

Monday night.
I get home from work after a very long and eventful day (got the promotion that I was shooting for) couldn't wait to sit down to a nice meal with the family and tell them all about the news. Did I have that luxury?? Hell no I didn't. I was faced with getting home to an empty house, my husband (who I still felt bad for at this point) working until 8:30pm, and a 1-year old that was as cranky as could be because Grandma didn't allow an afternoon nap. So grumpy that there was no way that this child was going to eat dinner and straight to bed she went at 7pm. Real nice... Not to mention the 18 year who also was sick, just getting back from her doctor appointment as she ended up with a sinus infection from all the wonderful germs. Well fine and dandy, Monday is shot so let's just go to bed and start over tomorrow!

Tuesday night.
Husband apparently now decided that working late is the new forte again doesn't get home until late. Why so late? Let me explain this to you further. Back to hunting.. gambling and drinking remember. Well, the man was told in no uncertain terms that there was no extra cash so he was on his own to come up with cash for the gambling and rambling after I paid the bills. So what does he do? He picks up every side job possible to ensure the gambling and drinking. Does this affect me? HELL NO if you ask him. So now why am I upset about this on Tuesday you ask... I mean after all I should totally be used to this by now after being married to the man and with him for a sentence of no less then 8 years come February. I am upset. I am now catching this stupid cold back so I am tired, grumpy, dealing with once again a grumpy baby who is also probably trying to get over this stupid cold since her nose hasn't stopped running in a minimum of no less then 3 months time, I need groceries, diapers, to get dinner on the table, and at least be able to have 5 minutes to try to straighten up our untidy little home. So what does this wonderful man do?

HE GOES OUT WITH THE GUYS FOR COFFEE OF COURSE!!! Truly a time to discuss many more hunting expeditions of past and present. By the time that he dragged his butt home it was nearly 9pm. How many of you other nice people out there reading this want to do all these things listed at 9pm? Exactly! And does it end there? Of course not, after all the hunting is only 2 days away so we must pack up now... and continue that packing until the week hours into the night! I did tell you that his mommy brought him medicine when he was sick right? Where is my mommy to yell at him for staying up so late on a school night!

So we forgive and move forward yet again...

Wednesday night.
Now keeping in mind that I had the babies on Monday and Tuesday makes it a little difficult to get from work, pick them up, and then get to the hospital to have my blood drawn for these stupids HCG levels, so I have also put that off all week. Now I'm thinking last night is the night...Wednesdays are perfect. Husband can pick up the Grumpy Girl and then I will take the 18 year old grump with me. I really need to get this done now or I'm going to have to wait and wait and wait and frankly I would love for this entire mess to be over with already. So I get out of work a little early -- the cold is kicking in full force now snot nose and all.. love not being able to breath let me tell ya!

Anyway, get to the hospital now and I go straight over to the registration area. Even though this is a standing order I have to register each time I go in ... you would think that they would know me by now but oh well. Sit down, say that I am there to get my blood work done and low and behold, lab is closed. They are having sewer issues and they Roto-Roter guys are there. This is a brand new hospital for pete's sake!! Just opened it's doors and moved all the existing patients in the beginning of September. UGGGG!!!

So now I am really tired, very grumpy and this cold is winning the battle!! In walks Husband who then proceeds to be very busy getting together all things to do with the Hunt!!! NO WAY!!! My reply to that is simple, "YOU WILL GET DINNER TONIGHT, YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN TONIGHT, YOU WON'T ARGUE WITH ME BECAUSE YOU GAVE ME THIS DAMN COLD AND NOW I'M GOING TO CRAWL INTO BED AS SOON AS YOU GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT!!! PLUS YOU WON'T ARGUE AS YOU STAYED IN BED WITH THIS FOR 3 DAYS STRAIGHT WITHOUT A SECONDS THOUGHT TO HOW LIFE WAS MOVING ON WITHOUT YOU!!!"

I believe that he was a little scared!

And Today
I made it through last night and there were no bloody battles to speak of. Went straight off to sleep the second that the baby was in bed.
So this morning I wake up, sick as a dog... sniffle sneeze uggg... and then to top everything else off I AM STARTING MY FLIPPING PERIOD TOO!!!

That's right kids, cramps gallore! I think it is so completely unfair. At least I believe that this is the period. It has been 3 weeks since my m/c and the spotting is much more blood like then it was before. My back is in such pain that I feel that I should probably just be in the midst of the m/c all over again. And more than anything I want to shoot most of the people that are coming near me right now because I find all people annoying and want them to all disappear while I go home and sleep!!

So to all you hunters out there enjoying the time away from your families and the everyday issues in life I simply say to you this:

Remember you have to come home sometime!!!!

I'll post the HCG result tomorrow! Today this just feels to much like work now!!
sniffle... sniffle ... sniffle....

M

Yes!!! I got the job!!!

Okay so not to toot my own horn or anything but I am really excited about this position and I can't wait to get my hands into all the products that are handled on that side!! Tell you more later, this is just a quick update!!

HCG update

HCGs are down to 74. So I guess I should be pleased that they went down an entire 375 points but I'm not really. This still means more needles in the arm and having to wait in the waiting room at Metro and basically taking extra time out of my life to go get these stupid tests done.

I probably should wait about a week but I'm not going to. I am going to try to get this done again Friday and see where we are standing. I'm sure that it will be above the magic number of 5 but oh well. I'm not patient anymore.

Finally I'm over the majority of the cramping and contractions. Still have that pulling feeling on my right side every once in a while but I think that is probably the spot that the sac was trying to attach itself to so that has to be normal. I need to remember to discuss that with the nurse when she calls me back to discuss birth control.

Most of us living in these cold states have also been fighting off the wonderful colds that have gone around too. I've decided that I have been sick more than well in the past year which frankly I'm about done with. Now my husband and Jennifer have it. Uggg... I think maybe it is time to air out all the germs from our house. Open all the windows, wash all the bedding, and get everyone back on the mend. That is my new goal for November... GET WELL!!! Sounds simple enough but let's face it I'm the girl that has caught everything lately!!! Could be quite a task.

Okay so that's me for now... more to come later.

M

Great news!

Wish me luck! I have an interview at work for a position that I have been really interested in. So excited here!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

What's Love Got to do with it? EVERYTHING!

So here is my question for the day, other than when your bleeding is over how can you tell if the cervix is closed? I see everywhere showing that once the bleeding stops that it is probably okay to begin relations with your man. Okay so are we referring to bleeding stopping or spotting stopping? There is a pretty big difference between the two in my book. For instance, bleeding stopped a few days ago but the spotting seems to go on forever and ever and ever. And I too can't stand the pads. Ick, Gross, Nasty, I'm over it already is what comes to mind when I think about that subject! My friend thinks that it is definitely not bleeding any longer since the color is so dark. I’m pretty much in agreement with her on that. Old blood is definitely different than new blood and most women can tell the difference right off the bat. And the spotting is sooooo light that it won’t be long before it is completely done. Actually I was starting to think that it was done but I believe that I shook things up there a bit…. You’ll understand that in a moment.

So as far as marital relations go I gave up on the waiting. My life has been on hold long enough and since I felt good enough I wasn’t about to wait even another day! Of course this came from drinking way too much during the games on Saturday (Michigan totally came out on top yet another year and DH is still hurting that his precious Spartans have another loss!!) So let me just say that while that may not have been the smartest thing to do it was the best thing for me and DH so that our relationship could once again FEEL like a relationship.

I figured that it must have been over 2 months since we did anything of that nature and it was a much needed night! With that being said physically I am very tender. Not really cramping or contractions or anything like that just a constant dull pain from the tenderness that comes with probably over doing it a bit too soon. We will give ourselves some healing time again and see where things go from there.

No regrets at all though and let me just say that since my husband and I began going through this it has been a very long process. We both needed the break and that was the best way to get some sense of normalcy back into our lives. I know that for some woman they wouldn’t be where we are right now but that is okay too. I got extremely emotional which I figure is pretty normal in this situation but I also believe that more than anything part of that was because I just missed my husband that much! I missed everything about us being normal.

Yes, I am being pretty kind huh? Maybe I should read this to him and then get tons of brownie points. What good are brownie points with him? Well I’ll think of something!!

Until later!

M

HCGs moving downward

HCG's came back at 425. Definetely moving down but a ways to go yet. I'm surprised that they don't automatically fall to zero as soon as you get the entire thing over with. Also spoke to the nurse who thinks that the contractions that are coming sporatically will go away completely once we are at zero. Maybe some tissue or clots still trying to move around in there. Doesn't that just sound like fun! NOT!!

Either way, Happy Halloween.

More to come later....

Quick update

So I have decided that this m/c is a mystery unto it's self. Over a week and I'm still getting these wonderful surprise contractions every now and then just popping up to keep me on my feet! Very fun.

Other than that nothing much in the bleeding or passing tissue area.

House is on now... more updates tomorrow!

M

Back to Life

So I am returned to work today. Thank heavens!! After being at home for a week straight I thought I was turning into a shut in or something. Still don't have my energy level up where it should be and there is some minimal cramping happening but nothing that a little Tylenol shouldn't be able to take care of so far right! Let's hope.

Here's to getting back in the game of life kids! Cheers!!

And on a side note, it only took me an hour and 1/2 to get through the billion emails that I had piled up here since I couldn't access them from home. That was just not right at all!!

M

Still very weak

This is going to be an exciting week to say the least. Granted I am fighting off a cold, probably caught due to my system going through so much in the past week and being completely worn down, but I can't tell you how weak I'm feeling. I'm not bleeding to badly and the contractions seem to be completely over now thank the Lord. Either way, I'm just totally wiped out. I am quite curious how I'm going to get through this week let me tell ya! Especially since I was out of work all last week. Wish me luck.

For now I'm just planning on getting some good sleep tonight and starting fresh in the morning.

Until then!

M

Nature took it's course

When I woke up on Wednesday I had no idea that I was still in a state of miscarriage. Totally took me off guard. Now I have done some thinking and I'm pretty sure that I was still in the m/c moment due to taking the progesterone. I could be wrong, I'm certainly no doctor since the sight of gross things would put me on permanat sick leave myself, but if you think this through I believe that I'm onto something here.

For starters, Progesterone is used to "feed the pregnancy" so if that is the case what are the odds that it was still helping the uterus to not contract during the time that my body wanted to say, "Enough is enough, we are all done going through this and the baby is gone, time to do our thing."

Not to mention that I remember that the cramps really began nearly a full week prior to the actual m/c happening and I was still on the progesterone at that time. The following Monday we found out there was no heartbeat at all. There isn't a doubt in my mind that this was the day that the baby actually left us.

Then there is the comparision from this m/c to the first m/c I had. First one was over in approximately 5 hours (at least the main unbearable pain.) Second only took 5 days!! Pain terrible on Sunday, then took a little breather and then back for round 2. So sorry but I am not buying that this is normal. When the body goes from once knowing the baby is gone and trying to expel it completely I just can't see any reason that it stops and then starts up again. That was just crazy!

So for the updates, not doing too bad now. Cramps are down to a bear minimum. Contractions are very few and far between when I do get them. Monday is back to work day so my only concern there is that my energy level is not where it once was.

As far as Todd and me deciding on more kids, that is quote unquote, "To be discussed later!"

M

What dreams are made of

Okay so I have been thinking all day what my life would be life if I never had a miscarriage. I would currently have 3 children, I'm guessing all girls since I believe that I am destined for girls, with one on the way. Four children!! Oh my.

Jennifer being the oldest is going to be 19 in February. Then there is Ashley, my step-daughter who will be 15 in July. Then the first m/c baby would be going on 8 years old, we would have named her Josie. Kylie just turned a year and the next would be here in May. We never got to even pick out a name for that one yet.

Talk about a busy household.

I'm guessing that I would never get caught up on laundry EVER since I barely keep up now as it is. Todd would drink a lot more than he does now so that his nerves would not drive him to his grave by the time that he was 45. I would be the cool mom that all the kids love because let's face it this is my story so I'm telling it how I like. My figure would also look like that of the most perfect model in the world for that matter. And my hair and makeup would always look perfect!!! (haha So far this is my favorite blog.)

Each morning would be a madhouse trying to get the girls out to school. Their father would take them and then I would sit down and have a nice hot cup of coffee. (How Brady do I look in your mind right now?)

Then I would go off to work for the day where I would try to get my blogging in while trying to work. Then I would go home where we all sit around the dinner table enjoying the nice meal that my live in cook whipped up.

After dinner would would sit by the fireplace enjoying each others company and laughing at all my quite funny husband would say about his day.

And that is how different our lives would be in my dreams!!

Fives days during miscarriage!

So yesterday was not a good day at all. Lots and lots of contractions and cramping. I was stunned that a m/c could possibly take this long. I can't even imagine. My last m/c was over and done with in a day, this must be a record or something. I finally got some rest today. First time there was a chance for that in this house. I slept until almost 11am!!! Yippee!!!! I actually feel a little guilty for sleeping that late even though I know that my body needed it. I saw myself in the mirror and I was just as white as a ghost. After losing that much blood that should be expected. Guess I don't need a costume for Halloween huh? I'm trying to keep in mind the totality of what I have been through in the past few days. That is a lot for any person to go through. The worst part of a m/c is certainly that you are going through all of this physically and mentally and then afterward there is no reward. Labor should include holding onto your little one at the end of the day, not going out for a beer to watch a football game with friends! I'm pretty lucky that I have a little one here to keep my mind somewhat okay, other woman that go through this that don't have a family or can not have kids at all, my heart just out to them.

Anyway, doctor said that my HCG level was down to 1500. That is a huge drop from Friday when it was at 7900. Everything else looked good and I am to rest through the weekend. Okay rest is a pretty objective term so I guess that means that I am not to pick up laundry baskets, fine! I hate laundry anyway! But what about picking up Kylie? To me that is restful so we will just go about business as usual at this time. I went through almost 2 weeks of trying to "rest" and not pick anything up including her before we were sure that the heart beat was gone. That didn't help and now I just want our lives to start getting back to normal. As much as normal can be right now at least.

Today the cramps were much better when I first woke up. That is a good thing. Unfortunately as soon as I started to move around they increased as I began moving. Cramps I can handle, contractions on the hand are just an evil, evil thing that no one should ever have do go through. Still taking the vicodine and that seems to help somewhat for the cramping. I will be switching over the Tylenol soon though if things go well today. Right now we are just waiting out the day to see if there are big clots or tissue still coming out. I'm almost hoping that there is so that I'll feel more comfortable with the idea that everything is moving along as it should. Still not sure if everything came out yesterday. And I don't want to take any chances of not being able to work next week. I miss my work and my friends at work. Plus most of the people there don't know what is going on so the sooner that I deal with the questions the better. Get it behind me and then we can get down to business.

Keep you updated later today. Now is time for a nice hot shower to make the ickys go away! How lovely does that sound!!

M

Some what of an update

So after waiting for 2 1/2 hours and passing clots the size of baseballs and tissue the size of lemons, I called the doctor back!! Nice, it has been since Sunday now and I have to call you guys??? I can't even imagine. Not happy with them right now and feeling very very bitchy.

So anyway, my doctor is off today so Gayle, (my favorite nurse) is trying to get a hold of her. Even if that is the case and they have to schedule out the d&c though she doesn't know what the surgery schedule is looking like.

Contractions have gone down to about every 30-40 minutes now. Not as bad as they were. That is a good thing.

I'm taking another pill and trying to lay down while I wait for them to call back. My guess is I won't hear back until tomorrow.

I did ask my sister in-law what happened when she went through this since this is so totally different from my first m/c, here is here reply:

"Actually, if you had just had the D & C you would have been done by now. That's why I elected to go through it. I basically went arrived at the hospital in the morning, they 'put you under' for the procedure. Mine took about 20 minutes. You wake up in recovery..no pain..but you feel like crap. I went home that afternoon (it was on a Friday) and rested the weekend and was back at work on Monday. Then it's kind of like after delivery, you take it easy with lifting, activity and stairs for a week or two...then you're pretty much back to normal. I really didn't have any pain, just being tired."

Well I was not given the option either way so it wouldn't have mattered much. I don't like that I was told just cramping and heavy period like symptoms. I get the impression that is what a lot of people are told. At least I knew from last time that I would have a lot more pain than that. Some girls aren't so lucky and they find out after the fact!

I'll be back later with updates.


M

Still happening really??? Day 4

Okay so it is only 8:52am and so far what an exciting day. I tried to drive into work today. That didn't go over so well. I no more than got away from my house and I wanted to die. Contractions, cramps, you name it and it all started back up again. I dropped my daughter off, turned around and came home. No more than walked into the house and I ran to the bathroom to push out a clot about the size of a lemon. I think that I am still having this miscarriage. Can you believe that one!! This is the 4th day for Pete's sake. There have been 3 more big ones since that time and I'm still contracting here.

So my doctors office opens in 5 minutes and I will be the first one on the phone with them. Is it really possible that the tissue didn't come out so I am still having all of this now? Last time may have been unbearable pain but at least that only lasted 1 day for a few hours. This is nuts!

I'll keep you posted later.

Perhaps there is more bad to come

I called the doctor since I'm still feeling contractions and they think that they might have to do a d&c anyway. I'm not happy with this at all but since I didn't feel that much tissue come out I'm also not that surprised. Here's me praying and hoping that that they are wrong! We should know more on Friday when we do the next blood tests. Big sigh....

The Worst is over now

I haven't been online in the past few days. I guess you could say that I have been a little busy lately. Everything started on Saturday and then on Sunday the real fireworks began.

Physically I'm exhausted and plan on getting some rest today. Mentally I am doing much better than I ever imagined that I could be doing. Here is what happened over the weekend....

I guess I should start by saying that I was spotting Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. This was the brownish colored spotting, not like blood at all... so much so that I couldn't even tell if there was really spotting or (not trying to be real gross here but..) wasn't sure if maybe I wasn't wiping good enough or something. Being at work I was wearing pads and I could see the spots on the pads but then when I would go to the bathroom there was nothing when I wiped. Very strange. Then on Saturday I woke up and I made the decision that I was going to go out with my husband and some friends that night. We went to watch the football game at a local sports bar where one of our friends was celebrating his 30th birthday.

Mentally I just decided that I couldn't just sit and wait any longer and that life has to go on either with me or without me. I choose with me and that I enjoyed my life too much to sit around as if I were waiting for a funeral.

I spoke to my girlfriend and told her that we would meet up with them later that night. Well I probably knew that I needed to get up and move on with life but I no more than said that before I went to the bathroom and found that there was some bleeding happening. This was not spotting but actual blood. I was shocked since I really didn't think it was going to do anyting this weekend. Either way I was a little relived. Thinking back it was probably like that last time too though since I didn't have any warning last time.

I didn't really want to get my husband too concerned at this point. I just told him the basic facts - there was some blood that seemed like spotting but nothing more. That was all true, I wasn't gushing out blood or anything like that. So now I was on the fense about going out, figured I would wait until 8pm before making any choices to see just how I felt and what was happening. And we weren't going more than 10 minutes from home either so that was nice.

Still No cramps, no clots, no signs that this was it by 8pm, even the blood was gone at that time. We went out and had a good time and by the time that we got home it was very late, now I knew that the end was near. Cramps were getting bad.

And being probably the biggest wimp in the world, I began taking the pain killers that the doctor prescribed me. I'm not afraid of drugs and I am usually pretty smart about them. Take them when I need them only, get off them as soon as I don't and I feel that I will be okay. Right before bed time I took another pill so that when I woke up in the morning I had some of that medicine in me to help out with the cramping. That was about all it helped with though, and maybe to keep me in a mellow state of mind for dealing with everything. I remembered the contractions from the first time and I wasn't looking forward to any of that.


Sunday I woke up and I told my husband flat out, get ready because it started. That put him in charge of our youngest daughter for the day, taking care of everything in the house because there was no way that I was even thinking about that stuff. Our older daughters were here too so I knew that I wouldn't be alone at all. That was good because I was worried about hemorrhaging or something going wrong. And Kylie being a mommy's girl I needed to have some distractions for her too.


It didn't take very long before the cramps turned to contractions and I started to time them apart more for something to do then for medical purposes. The first time I started to time it out they were about 10 minutes apart lasting for maybe 30 seconds or so. That was at noon or so, within a couple of hours they moved to 5 minutes apart lasted 1-2 minutes. The medicine didn't even touch the contractions. Once they were within 2 minutes apart I stopped timing them, there was just no point then. They started to move right on top of one another from there.

The cramping wasn't too bad since the pills helped with that quite a bit. Plus the pills made me really sleeping so I was sort of in and out most of the day while we tried to watch some movies. I couldn't really tell you much about the movies we watched but it was good for my girls and for my husband. They needed a distraction too at this point.

This miscarriage was so different from my last one. Last time the pain was to the point that it was just unbearable. This time I wasn't yelling out or anything like that and the pain was somewhat manageable. I can't even tell you how awful it was last time because the words just don't do it justice. This time the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks 1 day. Last time we didn't have any ultrasounds to do any measurements but I was almost 12 weeks along. I'm betting that the baby was probably around 10 weeks minimum because I can even remember passing the tissue that I still to this day believe was the baby.

This time there was very little tissue mainly clotting. I had to do a lot of pushing that time too, much more than what I had this time. While the last time the pain was so terrible, it didn't last as long as this time. For me it seemed like it all started Sunday morning around 9am and wasn't over with until last night around bedtime. I'm not sure if that is normal or if there is any type of normal with these miscarriages but this time it went on for almost an entire day and a half. Or 2 days really since I was still getting some of the contractions last night. Not bad but they were definitely there. My girl friend thinks that might be the uterus still contracting to go back down. She remembered that from when she had her kids, having a C-Section for my girls I just remember pain, nothing with contracts after the fact. Maybe that is normal.

I stayed home from work yesterday and today. In all honesty I feel more guilt about that then anything else right now. But I didn't want to get there and have all this start to gush out of me and I still feel that there is a lot of cramping going on to the point that I really want the pain meds to hurry up and get in my systems fast. Plus I'm just so weak.

There was some tissue that passed Sunday and yesterday but not a lot, my doctor said that is pretty normal and she didn't think I would pass anything at all. I have been bleeding but first I started thinking that maybe something was stuck in me because the only time it was coming out was if I pushed it out on the toilet. Now that has changed and it is coming out on it's own a little, not a lot though. Yesterday I had one good sized piece of tissue or clot (couldn't tell which in the toilet) and since then the bleeding has been happening much more on its own without me pushing it out. I am pretty convinced that once I get up and start moving around a lot more that the bleeding will probably increase. The cramps sure haven't stopped.

Then my husband made a bad choice by saying that he heard that it should all be done by now!!! Okay I wanted to kill him, yes I totally bit my tongue. Then I just very causually asked him what guy he heard that from!!! Yes, I should be done by now and I know this but I really don't need a man to tell me that!! Please!!!

Last night I slept good too and that is probably one of the best things for me. I almost wish I didn't sleep so good because I didn't take anything during the night and I wanted to cry this morning with these cramps. Today I will be switching over from the pain meds to just Tylenol. I think that if I take one more of those pills and then do Tylenol the rest of the night I would be okay. I still am noticing a few contractions but they are few and far between, I'm calling my doctor today to find out if that is normal.


I am really weak now. I imagine that it will take a few days to get my energy back up to where it should be. Today I plan on sleeping and resting and then I will begin to be a normal person again tomorrow. Today is for me. I need to do this for me because there is no catch up time later. It is now or never.

I'm still clotting up a lot, there is some bleeding and my body is just trying to recover and get back to normal. I was trying to eat the past couple of days but that was a difficult task and I'm sure that is partly where my energy level went. Being hungry while going through the worst part of the miscarriage was strange. I ate a pot-pie that my daughter made for me Sunday at like 6pm right during the major part of it and I think that helped a lot. I was pretty nauseous too and every time I sat up I got the worse part of it with the contractions and then I would go into a sweat so I just tried to lay down on my side, that was the most comfortable position for me through yesterday. Today I am going to try to sit up more and get in the shower. That will help a lot I'm sure. Not to mention that I really am not a pretty site right now and I'm sure that my husband and girls would appreciate that.

Now what is really strange is that I feel guilty for not feeling worse about all this then I do. I should be really sad right? I'm not, at least not anymore. For me I had almost 3 weeks to get my head wrapped around the fact that we would most likely lose this baby so that is part of it but I still think that there is a numbness around me. Physically this took everything out of me so that might be a big part of it too I guess.

Saturday night I had friends that kept saying if I needed to talk they were there for me. It's always nice to know that your friends care but when I said no, I'm really fine, I just remember getting these looks like people didn't believe me. I have so much happening in my life and it always feels like it is going so fast right now ...like we are caught up in this whirlwind that we can't get to slow down, that might be part of it too. What I need more than anything is a built in maid, or just someone to do the laundry. If they really want to help that would do it!


For example of our fast paced lives, my husband and I just had our daughter a year ago. Shortly after Kylie was born we found out that our oldest was pregnant. So now we have our beautiful grand daughter, Kennedy too. All in the same house which isn't the biggest house in the world and half the time we are tripping over each other. And Todd's daughter, Ashley is 14 so he is busy with her too. That is just the worst age too, she needs a lot of his attention.

We get home from work and the house is fast paced and always moving for us to stay on top of everything for the baby's sakes that sometimes I just think that there isn't time for sadness or depression. It is basically get home, play with the kids, get dinner on the table, get the babies fed and bathed and off to bed. Then once they are down for the night we are getting their bags ready for the next day at the sitters. I wish that we could afford for me to stay home and be a stay at home mom for a while but we don't have that luxury right now so when we get home and on the weekends we spend as much time as we can with these little ones. This time in their lives just goes by soooo fast. I wish there was a way to freeze frame for a little while.


Life moves on and I'm just trying to stay caught up I guess.


Plus, my husband does not want anymore children. I'm probably more upset about that then anything else at this point. He says we will talk later but that just means that he doesn't want to discuss anything now. Maybe he is hoping that it will all just blow over I don't know. We come from very different lives when it comes to children. My parents had 8 children, his parents had 2. Plus he is thinking of financially, I can't blame him there. $200 a week for child care is nothing to sneeze at that's for sure. Think about it, that is almost our mortgage payment. Ugggg..... I want more kids, he wants more vacations. (His words not mine!)

I love my husband I want to discuss this further with him when my hormones are not all over the place. I'm not even sure where I will be mentally once everything settles down and we could even get to the point of trying. We'll just have to wait and see how this all goes I guess.

Friday I went for more blood work and I was surprised to find out that the HCG levels were still up at 7900. It will be interesting to see how quickly they will drop now that the physical part of this miscarriage has happened. I am hoping that it doesn't take too long for these levels to go back down.

Just more waiting, now we wait for a big zero on the HCG.... real nice!

I guess more than anything right now I am just praying and hoping that was the worst of the m/c. I think I am a little freaked out that it wasn't much worse and that there wasn't more clots and tissue pasted. We'll have to wait and see I guess.

Friday's here, I think

Well I'm totally wanting to say the f/u m/c... I really like that idea. Especially since I still have nothing.. No cramps, no blood, and nothing to show one way or the other that this is what is really happening to me. It sucks. No way around it. And now that my hormone level must be lowering I'm all over the board. One minute want to be all sweet and nice to everyone and then the next minute I'm crying or biting their heads off.

I just can't imagine this, going through it last time as a surprise was way better than this. My oldest daughter says that it was like I was given a prison sentence without knowing the time frame. Oh man does that about say it. Okay already have the bad news, as a matter of fact it really doesn't get much worse than that, and then you are playing the wait for the worst part to still show up. Now every time that I have a feeling at all in that lower region my mind if playing tricks on me, it is here, or oh that must be something. NOT!

With the weekend coming up I am getting more antsy too. How do I act at this point? Do I go out and have a drink with dinner? I still feel pregnant or at least a little bit so I don't feel right about that. Shoot, just taking cough medicine the other night was a joke. And I still felt guilty taking it... talk about holding onto false hope.

It is definitely going to be harder than what I thought at this point. At least mentally.
We're still hanging in there for now.

Feeling like ugggg

Okay I'm at work today... this is supposed to help right???

It's a sunny day but I don't feel very sunny!

The sun is out today and it is actually a very nice day out. That doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better but again that is just because of this nasty cold that I have. I was up all night coughing and I think I probably kept Husband up all night too. I'm not sure who has it worse, me coughing or him having to listen to me.

Tomorrow I go back to work, frankly I'm not ready to deal with all the questions that people are going to have for me. The only people at work that knew anything was the management team and my girl friend, and a girl that I sit by who frankly was driving me nuts asking me every single morning how I felt. I know she meant well but she was pushing me over the edge. It was constant, she never let up, every time she seen me "How you feeling?" Well I think that I would tell you I wasn't feeling good if I wanted to. The only reason that she even knew what was going on was she just guessed that I was pregnant and I was so caught off guard by her question that I didn't know what else to say. And of course there is the true worry that the physical part will begin while I'm sitting at my desk. Oh joy.

No one is home now, I have this house to myself and my own thoughts. Kylie is at daycare and everyone else is at work. I really should be cleaning my house or doing some laundry but there is nothing getting my motivation up at this time. Nothing at all. I keep trying to get motivated by thinking of little Kylie. I can't believe that it was just a year ago that we were bringing that little bundle of joy home. It's hard though. First I was told not to pick anything up so I spent the first few days of this not picking up my own daughter. It was awful. She didn't have a clue what was going on and she is a Momma's girl already. I would try to pick her up onto my lap from a sitting position and did a lot of playing with her on the living room floor but I think she still thought something was up. Even at that age I swear they know things.

I started having a discharge yesterday. Not blood or cramping or anything like that just a clear discharge. Could that be the (sorry for the grossness here) mucus plug or something like that? Of course I don't remember any of that from the last m/c since I wasn't waiting for anything that time. And last time I basically just had the entire thing in a matter of a few hours while I was waiting in the ER waiting room. I won't be doing that this time. Now I know that they won't do anything for you anyway and it was so pointless to even go there but hell I thought I was going to bleed to death or something then.

Yes, I will definitely do some laundry today. I will get off my bum and get something accomplished today. I will do that right after being lazy for the next couple of hours.

Then my girlfriend came home from vacation yesterday. Her wonderful advise was to go to work today. My reply was you go to work frankly I don't care much about work right now and I think that they will survive without me. And there was the whole comment, "It was Gods will and there must be a reason." Hey there girlfriend, don't much care to hear you giving me reasons right now. Let me have some time for this to all sink in.

Come on people, don't be so stupid. We don't want to hear you trying to justify this in anyway at this point. If I do great, if you do then you make light of the heartache that I am feeling at this time. And what is even worse is that you make like of me. Give me the time that I want and need to get my head around what is really happening here.

On that note, my brain is still acting very numb. I don't think that I have processed anything yet.

The cravings are gone now. No real feelings of being pregnant at all. As a matter of fact I don't really remember the last time that I had cravings. I think that they have been gone for a while now. I wish the rest of this would happen faster than it is.

Uggg... it is so frustrating.

So I found this website today that showed all kinds of art work by Raphael Sirianni. He is an artist that I am not very familar with but I really fell in love with his work. Most of the paintings are of angels which I adore, but this one really struck me as something else, then I saw the name and I found it fitting that I post it here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.



By the way, the title of this painting is Recovery!!! How cool is that!!!

In the beginning

Okay so it is really rainy and dark out today.... a perfect day to feel like garbage inside and out. The worst part of this right now is that I am struggling to get over a nasty cold/flu/brochitis thing on top of wanting this m/c to begin. I have not been getting much rest lately, that part is pretty normal for me when I'm pregnant. I don't think that my body has caught on to the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. Or maybe it's more that my mind is catching on to the fact that I'm not pregnant before my body really isn't pregnant.

So lets go back to the beginning and go through this from the start.

How I ever figured out that I was pregnant so early on is beyond me. Usually when I get pregnant (and this is my fourth) my boobs hurt so bad that I can't stand it right off the bat. This time was not like that. I never really had any pain there at all. I figured that must mean that it was a boy this time. That was right around the middle of September. The exact date was the 12th. Since I figured that my lmp began right around 8/7 I couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 weeks pregnant at that point. Just looked at that calendar one day and said OMG!!! I am pregnant.

So my first doctor appointment was set for Oct. 4th. I remember that excitement that I had at that time. Then after talking to my Dr. who I absolutly love, I remember that excitement quickly turned to fear. It was really funning to me that I went to see her thinking they would get me setup for prenatal vitamins and just start our normal visits. Well she did all the usual measurements and thought I was measuring large. That led to the idea that it could be twins!! How scarey is that! I went from her office to another office to have an ultrasound to rule out twins.

As I got there that day I had a short wait where I went from going we can't do twins.. there is NO WAY we can do twins. After all our little one was just about a year old at that time and my oldest was going to be 19 in February and she has a daughter of her own. That would mean going from 2 babies in the house to 4 babies!! All under the age of 2 years old. Being very careful to not tell my husband this I went to the u/s by myself. I certainly didn't want to put him into a panic since we were not even intending to have anymore children and this would certainly put him over the edge. I just couldn't do that to him. But by the time she called me into the room I was looking forward to the idea of twins. Can you imagine, I must have been pretty hormonal or something because looking back I must have been losing it.

Soon the tech called me back and we began. Being so early she could only see the sac at this point. The first question that she asked me was if I was cramping or bleeding, hmmmm... don't think so. I'm pretty sure that I would have remembered that one. Well the sac was very low and of course she was very concerned about that. So we did the transvaginal u/s. Now she couldn't tell if there was a heartbeat or it that was my pulse she was getting. But the good news was there was definately a baby in the sac.

I looked at that screen and that was clearly a heartbeat. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. You could see the area that was beating, it was centered in one spot, not going all over the place like it would if it were my pulse. Either way she was still really concerned because she could only get the count at 63 bpm. So I left there that day going from excitement over twins to total fear that this baby wasn't going to make it. And I remember feeling angry at the tech as if it was her fault. And when I got home and talked with husband and mom they were angry at her too. They both felt that she had no right to tell anyone anything that would get them all upset. Now I just think she was preparing me.

So that was a Thursday, I went back for the next u/s on the following Tuesday and this time my husband came with. They also got the blood work back and the HCG levels looked good, this was promising. Since I have never gone through fertility doctors there is so much that I was learning about including the term HCG and what these levels mean. So my levels were at 19000, the nurse said that was surprisingly good but my progesterone was a little low. Began taking the suppliments that day.

On Tuesday I got up for work and stayed in the office until my appointment. It was the hardest few hours that I can remember after already waiting for an entire weekend. Husband met me there and we still had to wait in the waiting room for almost 40 minutes. You have got to be kidding me! Don't make me wait more. Uggg!

Still to early and had to do the trans. u/s again. Okay not a probably after all it is only a few weeks along at this point. Now she can definately tell that it is the heartbeat but it is low, very low, only at 67 bpm. I quicky remembered when I had my last m/c and that heartbeat was never heard. They never did the u/s or blood work to check levels or anything like that at that point but I was like 10 weeks along at that time. I remember that I was scared from that moment on. Right after that I began bleeding and cramping. So the heartbeat for me is crucial, for my mind as well as for this little guy inside me. When I became pregnant with Kylie my youngest I kept saying that I would be calm after I heard that heartbeat. Heard it the first visit. What a beautiful sound that is!

So now I'm really losing faith here after getting a low heartbeat. I started to google search everything I could about low fetal heart beats. They tried to put me on bedrest until my doctor seen all these results. (She was delivering that afternoon and then had the next day off! More waiting. Nice!!) So on Thursday she reviewed everything and asked that I go back in for more blood work to be drawn. The wanted to check the HCG levels again. Okay well this is good it gets me out of the house and should give me something to go by while I wait for the next u/s which was originally scheduled for over a week out.

The news wasn't good, the HCG levels were dropping. They went from 19000 down to 15000. Now up to this point I have been told by at least 3 different people including 2 nurses that this pregnancy was probably not viable but I was just in denial I guess, or maybe still fighting. Either way I was still holding onto some hope. After these results came back I knew at that point that the fight was over. I didn't have anything more to argue with. I was sure that there was not a twin in there or we would have seen it, I was just certain that it was over. And the hardest part was that I was getting cramping that day. I'm totally convinced that is the day that the baby actually died and if I had been off the progesterone that I would have already experienced some type of spotting or bleeding.

So doing what the doctors said I wasn't picking up anything heavy, including my daughter Kylie whose 1st birthday was the next day, Oct. 12th. I was determined to not let this start on her day. I wanted so bad to just get past it and have a nice memory for her. And I did. Thank the Lord!!

Monday we had the last u/s at 9am. Husband went with me. Thank the Lord again because I don't think that I could have made it through this alone this time. Sitting in the waiting room and out comes 3 women, must have been the pregnant one who looked like she was a ways along, then her mother and sister. And what do you know they are looking at their u/s pictures. I wanted to just scream at them. What are they thinking, here I am just barely getting through this morning without throwing up and they are very happily laughing and looking at all these pictures. Then I remembered Kylie, after all I was in the same boat a year ago and I was completely oblivious to anyone around me at that time. Okay so for now they live.

We get called back and sure enough there is no heartbeat. While I thought that I was pretty prepared for this I still started to cry. Now this of course makes me even more upset because I sure don't want to sit here crying in front of people I hardly know, I want to go home and bawl in private where I can feel like a fool all on my own. Husband was strong and brave and just kept telling me that it would be okay. He's right, I know deep down that he is right but I haven't really taken this all in at this point and I'm not sure that I cared if it would be okay or not.

So now there are no tears. Now there is no anger. Nothing. I just feel very numb and I am totally concentrating on if I want another one or not. I know that I have a while to wait but knowing that my loving husband doesn't want another one makes it even harder. Makes it seem final in a strange way.

I think that I am okay with the idea that this baby is gone because I keep thinking of that little heart trying to beat and not getting up to the over 100 bpm where it should have been. I just think that this little one was fighting and fighting and it shouldn't have to fight like that. Not just to have a heartbeat.

So now the progesterone is gone and I am waiting for the physical part to begin. More waiting. And since I still somewhat feel pregnant I am worried about trying to live like I'm not. Should I have a drink? Should I be picking up heavy things or will this cause hemoraging? Should I have sex? Not that I have any interest in that at all right now anyway.

Okay so this is going to be a mental game for now. I am up to the challenge and I will be okay... after all that is what everyone else is tellling me right? Must be true!!

Until later.

Day one of the waiting game

No heartbeat.. now we wait Husband and I went to the doctors office today for the last ultrasound. As I suspected there was no heartbeat at all. So basically we are in the waiting period now. Stopped the progesterone and now waiting for the cramping and bleeding. Doesn't that sound just fabulous.I was actually going to stop looking for things on the computer but I found another blog and I thought what a great way to be theraputic. Type it out. The other persons story was so like my first time, almost down the amount of time that the entire process actually took.Now I'm just really really tired. Probably because my body still thinks that I am pregnant. I think that i will come back to this later. Right now I'm thinking nap time.