In the beginning

Okay so it is really rainy and dark out today.... a perfect day to feel like garbage inside and out. The worst part of this right now is that I am struggling to get over a nasty cold/flu/brochitis thing on top of wanting this m/c to begin. I have not been getting much rest lately, that part is pretty normal for me when I'm pregnant. I don't think that my body has caught on to the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. Or maybe it's more that my mind is catching on to the fact that I'm not pregnant before my body really isn't pregnant.

So lets go back to the beginning and go through this from the start.

How I ever figured out that I was pregnant so early on is beyond me. Usually when I get pregnant (and this is my fourth) my boobs hurt so bad that I can't stand it right off the bat. This time was not like that. I never really had any pain there at all. I figured that must mean that it was a boy this time. That was right around the middle of September. The exact date was the 12th. Since I figured that my lmp began right around 8/7 I couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 weeks pregnant at that point. Just looked at that calendar one day and said OMG!!! I am pregnant.

So my first doctor appointment was set for Oct. 4th. I remember that excitement that I had at that time. Then after talking to my Dr. who I absolutly love, I remember that excitement quickly turned to fear. It was really funning to me that I went to see her thinking they would get me setup for prenatal vitamins and just start our normal visits. Well she did all the usual measurements and thought I was measuring large. That led to the idea that it could be twins!! How scarey is that! I went from her office to another office to have an ultrasound to rule out twins.

As I got there that day I had a short wait where I went from going we can't do twins.. there is NO WAY we can do twins. After all our little one was just about a year old at that time and my oldest was going to be 19 in February and she has a daughter of her own. That would mean going from 2 babies in the house to 4 babies!! All under the age of 2 years old. Being very careful to not tell my husband this I went to the u/s by myself. I certainly didn't want to put him into a panic since we were not even intending to have anymore children and this would certainly put him over the edge. I just couldn't do that to him. But by the time she called me into the room I was looking forward to the idea of twins. Can you imagine, I must have been pretty hormonal or something because looking back I must have been losing it.

Soon the tech called me back and we began. Being so early she could only see the sac at this point. The first question that she asked me was if I was cramping or bleeding, hmmmm... don't think so. I'm pretty sure that I would have remembered that one. Well the sac was very low and of course she was very concerned about that. So we did the transvaginal u/s. Now she couldn't tell if there was a heartbeat or it that was my pulse she was getting. But the good news was there was definately a baby in the sac.

I looked at that screen and that was clearly a heartbeat. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. You could see the area that was beating, it was centered in one spot, not going all over the place like it would if it were my pulse. Either way she was still really concerned because she could only get the count at 63 bpm. So I left there that day going from excitement over twins to total fear that this baby wasn't going to make it. And I remember feeling angry at the tech as if it was her fault. And when I got home and talked with husband and mom they were angry at her too. They both felt that she had no right to tell anyone anything that would get them all upset. Now I just think she was preparing me.

So that was a Thursday, I went back for the next u/s on the following Tuesday and this time my husband came with. They also got the blood work back and the HCG levels looked good, this was promising. Since I have never gone through fertility doctors there is so much that I was learning about including the term HCG and what these levels mean. So my levels were at 19000, the nurse said that was surprisingly good but my progesterone was a little low. Began taking the suppliments that day.

On Tuesday I got up for work and stayed in the office until my appointment. It was the hardest few hours that I can remember after already waiting for an entire weekend. Husband met me there and we still had to wait in the waiting room for almost 40 minutes. You have got to be kidding me! Don't make me wait more. Uggg!

Still to early and had to do the trans. u/s again. Okay not a probably after all it is only a few weeks along at this point. Now she can definately tell that it is the heartbeat but it is low, very low, only at 67 bpm. I quicky remembered when I had my last m/c and that heartbeat was never heard. They never did the u/s or blood work to check levels or anything like that at that point but I was like 10 weeks along at that time. I remember that I was scared from that moment on. Right after that I began bleeding and cramping. So the heartbeat for me is crucial, for my mind as well as for this little guy inside me. When I became pregnant with Kylie my youngest I kept saying that I would be calm after I heard that heartbeat. Heard it the first visit. What a beautiful sound that is!

So now I'm really losing faith here after getting a low heartbeat. I started to google search everything I could about low fetal heart beats. They tried to put me on bedrest until my doctor seen all these results. (She was delivering that afternoon and then had the next day off! More waiting. Nice!!) So on Thursday she reviewed everything and asked that I go back in for more blood work to be drawn. The wanted to check the HCG levels again. Okay well this is good it gets me out of the house and should give me something to go by while I wait for the next u/s which was originally scheduled for over a week out.

The news wasn't good, the HCG levels were dropping. They went from 19000 down to 15000. Now up to this point I have been told by at least 3 different people including 2 nurses that this pregnancy was probably not viable but I was just in denial I guess, or maybe still fighting. Either way I was still holding onto some hope. After these results came back I knew at that point that the fight was over. I didn't have anything more to argue with. I was sure that there was not a twin in there or we would have seen it, I was just certain that it was over. And the hardest part was that I was getting cramping that day. I'm totally convinced that is the day that the baby actually died and if I had been off the progesterone that I would have already experienced some type of spotting or bleeding.

So doing what the doctors said I wasn't picking up anything heavy, including my daughter Kylie whose 1st birthday was the next day, Oct. 12th. I was determined to not let this start on her day. I wanted so bad to just get past it and have a nice memory for her. And I did. Thank the Lord!!

Monday we had the last u/s at 9am. Husband went with me. Thank the Lord again because I don't think that I could have made it through this alone this time. Sitting in the waiting room and out comes 3 women, must have been the pregnant one who looked like she was a ways along, then her mother and sister. And what do you know they are looking at their u/s pictures. I wanted to just scream at them. What are they thinking, here I am just barely getting through this morning without throwing up and they are very happily laughing and looking at all these pictures. Then I remembered Kylie, after all I was in the same boat a year ago and I was completely oblivious to anyone around me at that time. Okay so for now they live.

We get called back and sure enough there is no heartbeat. While I thought that I was pretty prepared for this I still started to cry. Now this of course makes me even more upset because I sure don't want to sit here crying in front of people I hardly know, I want to go home and bawl in private where I can feel like a fool all on my own. Husband was strong and brave and just kept telling me that it would be okay. He's right, I know deep down that he is right but I haven't really taken this all in at this point and I'm not sure that I cared if it would be okay or not.

So now there are no tears. Now there is no anger. Nothing. I just feel very numb and I am totally concentrating on if I want another one or not. I know that I have a while to wait but knowing that my loving husband doesn't want another one makes it even harder. Makes it seem final in a strange way.

I think that I am okay with the idea that this baby is gone because I keep thinking of that little heart trying to beat and not getting up to the over 100 bpm where it should have been. I just think that this little one was fighting and fighting and it shouldn't have to fight like that. Not just to have a heartbeat.

So now the progesterone is gone and I am waiting for the physical part to begin. More waiting. And since I still somewhat feel pregnant I am worried about trying to live like I'm not. Should I have a drink? Should I be picking up heavy things or will this cause hemoraging? Should I have sex? Not that I have any interest in that at all right now anyway.

Okay so this is going to be a mental game for now. I am up to the challenge and I will be okay... after all that is what everyone else is tellling me right? Must be true!!

Until later.