The Worst is over now

I haven't been online in the past few days. I guess you could say that I have been a little busy lately. Everything started on Saturday and then on Sunday the real fireworks began.

Physically I'm exhausted and plan on getting some rest today. Mentally I am doing much better than I ever imagined that I could be doing. Here is what happened over the weekend....

I guess I should start by saying that I was spotting Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. This was the brownish colored spotting, not like blood at all... so much so that I couldn't even tell if there was really spotting or (not trying to be real gross here but..) wasn't sure if maybe I wasn't wiping good enough or something. Being at work I was wearing pads and I could see the spots on the pads but then when I would go to the bathroom there was nothing when I wiped. Very strange. Then on Saturday I woke up and I made the decision that I was going to go out with my husband and some friends that night. We went to watch the football game at a local sports bar where one of our friends was celebrating his 30th birthday.

Mentally I just decided that I couldn't just sit and wait any longer and that life has to go on either with me or without me. I choose with me and that I enjoyed my life too much to sit around as if I were waiting for a funeral.

I spoke to my girlfriend and told her that we would meet up with them later that night. Well I probably knew that I needed to get up and move on with life but I no more than said that before I went to the bathroom and found that there was some bleeding happening. This was not spotting but actual blood. I was shocked since I really didn't think it was going to do anyting this weekend. Either way I was a little relived. Thinking back it was probably like that last time too though since I didn't have any warning last time.

I didn't really want to get my husband too concerned at this point. I just told him the basic facts - there was some blood that seemed like spotting but nothing more. That was all true, I wasn't gushing out blood or anything like that. So now I was on the fense about going out, figured I would wait until 8pm before making any choices to see just how I felt and what was happening. And we weren't going more than 10 minutes from home either so that was nice.

Still No cramps, no clots, no signs that this was it by 8pm, even the blood was gone at that time. We went out and had a good time and by the time that we got home it was very late, now I knew that the end was near. Cramps were getting bad.

And being probably the biggest wimp in the world, I began taking the pain killers that the doctor prescribed me. I'm not afraid of drugs and I am usually pretty smart about them. Take them when I need them only, get off them as soon as I don't and I feel that I will be okay. Right before bed time I took another pill so that when I woke up in the morning I had some of that medicine in me to help out with the cramping. That was about all it helped with though, and maybe to keep me in a mellow state of mind for dealing with everything. I remembered the contractions from the first time and I wasn't looking forward to any of that.


Sunday I woke up and I told my husband flat out, get ready because it started. That put him in charge of our youngest daughter for the day, taking care of everything in the house because there was no way that I was even thinking about that stuff. Our older daughters were here too so I knew that I wouldn't be alone at all. That was good because I was worried about hemorrhaging or something going wrong. And Kylie being a mommy's girl I needed to have some distractions for her too.


It didn't take very long before the cramps turned to contractions and I started to time them apart more for something to do then for medical purposes. The first time I started to time it out they were about 10 minutes apart lasting for maybe 30 seconds or so. That was at noon or so, within a couple of hours they moved to 5 minutes apart lasted 1-2 minutes. The medicine didn't even touch the contractions. Once they were within 2 minutes apart I stopped timing them, there was just no point then. They started to move right on top of one another from there.

The cramping wasn't too bad since the pills helped with that quite a bit. Plus the pills made me really sleeping so I was sort of in and out most of the day while we tried to watch some movies. I couldn't really tell you much about the movies we watched but it was good for my girls and for my husband. They needed a distraction too at this point.

This miscarriage was so different from my last one. Last time the pain was to the point that it was just unbearable. This time I wasn't yelling out or anything like that and the pain was somewhat manageable. I can't even tell you how awful it was last time because the words just don't do it justice. This time the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks 1 day. Last time we didn't have any ultrasounds to do any measurements but I was almost 12 weeks along. I'm betting that the baby was probably around 10 weeks minimum because I can even remember passing the tissue that I still to this day believe was the baby.

This time there was very little tissue mainly clotting. I had to do a lot of pushing that time too, much more than what I had this time. While the last time the pain was so terrible, it didn't last as long as this time. For me it seemed like it all started Sunday morning around 9am and wasn't over with until last night around bedtime. I'm not sure if that is normal or if there is any type of normal with these miscarriages but this time it went on for almost an entire day and a half. Or 2 days really since I was still getting some of the contractions last night. Not bad but they were definitely there. My girl friend thinks that might be the uterus still contracting to go back down. She remembered that from when she had her kids, having a C-Section for my girls I just remember pain, nothing with contracts after the fact. Maybe that is normal.

I stayed home from work yesterday and today. In all honesty I feel more guilt about that then anything else right now. But I didn't want to get there and have all this start to gush out of me and I still feel that there is a lot of cramping going on to the point that I really want the pain meds to hurry up and get in my systems fast. Plus I'm just so weak.

There was some tissue that passed Sunday and yesterday but not a lot, my doctor said that is pretty normal and she didn't think I would pass anything at all. I have been bleeding but first I started thinking that maybe something was stuck in me because the only time it was coming out was if I pushed it out on the toilet. Now that has changed and it is coming out on it's own a little, not a lot though. Yesterday I had one good sized piece of tissue or clot (couldn't tell which in the toilet) and since then the bleeding has been happening much more on its own without me pushing it out. I am pretty convinced that once I get up and start moving around a lot more that the bleeding will probably increase. The cramps sure haven't stopped.

Then my husband made a bad choice by saying that he heard that it should all be done by now!!! Okay I wanted to kill him, yes I totally bit my tongue. Then I just very causually asked him what guy he heard that from!!! Yes, I should be done by now and I know this but I really don't need a man to tell me that!! Please!!!

Last night I slept good too and that is probably one of the best things for me. I almost wish I didn't sleep so good because I didn't take anything during the night and I wanted to cry this morning with these cramps. Today I will be switching over from the pain meds to just Tylenol. I think that if I take one more of those pills and then do Tylenol the rest of the night I would be okay. I still am noticing a few contractions but they are few and far between, I'm calling my doctor today to find out if that is normal.


I am really weak now. I imagine that it will take a few days to get my energy back up to where it should be. Today I plan on sleeping and resting and then I will begin to be a normal person again tomorrow. Today is for me. I need to do this for me because there is no catch up time later. It is now or never.

I'm still clotting up a lot, there is some bleeding and my body is just trying to recover and get back to normal. I was trying to eat the past couple of days but that was a difficult task and I'm sure that is partly where my energy level went. Being hungry while going through the worst part of the miscarriage was strange. I ate a pot-pie that my daughter made for me Sunday at like 6pm right during the major part of it and I think that helped a lot. I was pretty nauseous too and every time I sat up I got the worse part of it with the contractions and then I would go into a sweat so I just tried to lay down on my side, that was the most comfortable position for me through yesterday. Today I am going to try to sit up more and get in the shower. That will help a lot I'm sure. Not to mention that I really am not a pretty site right now and I'm sure that my husband and girls would appreciate that.

Now what is really strange is that I feel guilty for not feeling worse about all this then I do. I should be really sad right? I'm not, at least not anymore. For me I had almost 3 weeks to get my head wrapped around the fact that we would most likely lose this baby so that is part of it but I still think that there is a numbness around me. Physically this took everything out of me so that might be a big part of it too I guess.

Saturday night I had friends that kept saying if I needed to talk they were there for me. It's always nice to know that your friends care but when I said no, I'm really fine, I just remember getting these looks like people didn't believe me. I have so much happening in my life and it always feels like it is going so fast right now ...like we are caught up in this whirlwind that we can't get to slow down, that might be part of it too. What I need more than anything is a built in maid, or just someone to do the laundry. If they really want to help that would do it!


For example of our fast paced lives, my husband and I just had our daughter a year ago. Shortly after Kylie was born we found out that our oldest was pregnant. So now we have our beautiful grand daughter, Kennedy too. All in the same house which isn't the biggest house in the world and half the time we are tripping over each other. And Todd's daughter, Ashley is 14 so he is busy with her too. That is just the worst age too, she needs a lot of his attention.

We get home from work and the house is fast paced and always moving for us to stay on top of everything for the baby's sakes that sometimes I just think that there isn't time for sadness or depression. It is basically get home, play with the kids, get dinner on the table, get the babies fed and bathed and off to bed. Then once they are down for the night we are getting their bags ready for the next day at the sitters. I wish that we could afford for me to stay home and be a stay at home mom for a while but we don't have that luxury right now so when we get home and on the weekends we spend as much time as we can with these little ones. This time in their lives just goes by soooo fast. I wish there was a way to freeze frame for a little while.


Life moves on and I'm just trying to stay caught up I guess.


Plus, my husband does not want anymore children. I'm probably more upset about that then anything else at this point. He says we will talk later but that just means that he doesn't want to discuss anything now. Maybe he is hoping that it will all just blow over I don't know. We come from very different lives when it comes to children. My parents had 8 children, his parents had 2. Plus he is thinking of financially, I can't blame him there. $200 a week for child care is nothing to sneeze at that's for sure. Think about it, that is almost our mortgage payment. Ugggg..... I want more kids, he wants more vacations. (His words not mine!)

I love my husband I want to discuss this further with him when my hormones are not all over the place. I'm not even sure where I will be mentally once everything settles down and we could even get to the point of trying. We'll just have to wait and see how this all goes I guess.

Friday I went for more blood work and I was surprised to find out that the HCG levels were still up at 7900. It will be interesting to see how quickly they will drop now that the physical part of this miscarriage has happened. I am hoping that it doesn't take too long for these levels to go back down.

Just more waiting, now we wait for a big zero on the HCG.... real nice!

I guess more than anything right now I am just praying and hoping that was the worst of the m/c. I think I am a little freaked out that it wasn't much worse and that there wasn't more clots and tissue pasted. We'll have to wait and see I guess.