It's a sunny day but I don't feel very sunny!

The sun is out today and it is actually a very nice day out. That doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better but again that is just because of this nasty cold that I have. I was up all night coughing and I think I probably kept Husband up all night too. I'm not sure who has it worse, me coughing or him having to listen to me.

Tomorrow I go back to work, frankly I'm not ready to deal with all the questions that people are going to have for me. The only people at work that knew anything was the management team and my girl friend, and a girl that I sit by who frankly was driving me nuts asking me every single morning how I felt. I know she meant well but she was pushing me over the edge. It was constant, she never let up, every time she seen me "How you feeling?" Well I think that I would tell you I wasn't feeling good if I wanted to. The only reason that she even knew what was going on was she just guessed that I was pregnant and I was so caught off guard by her question that I didn't know what else to say. And of course there is the true worry that the physical part will begin while I'm sitting at my desk. Oh joy.

No one is home now, I have this house to myself and my own thoughts. Kylie is at daycare and everyone else is at work. I really should be cleaning my house or doing some laundry but there is nothing getting my motivation up at this time. Nothing at all. I keep trying to get motivated by thinking of little Kylie. I can't believe that it was just a year ago that we were bringing that little bundle of joy home. It's hard though. First I was told not to pick anything up so I spent the first few days of this not picking up my own daughter. It was awful. She didn't have a clue what was going on and she is a Momma's girl already. I would try to pick her up onto my lap from a sitting position and did a lot of playing with her on the living room floor but I think she still thought something was up. Even at that age I swear they know things.

I started having a discharge yesterday. Not blood or cramping or anything like that just a clear discharge. Could that be the (sorry for the grossness here) mucus plug or something like that? Of course I don't remember any of that from the last m/c since I wasn't waiting for anything that time. And last time I basically just had the entire thing in a matter of a few hours while I was waiting in the ER waiting room. I won't be doing that this time. Now I know that they won't do anything for you anyway and it was so pointless to even go there but hell I thought I was going to bleed to death or something then.

Yes, I will definitely do some laundry today. I will get off my bum and get something accomplished today. I will do that right after being lazy for the next couple of hours.

Then my girlfriend came home from vacation yesterday. Her wonderful advise was to go to work today. My reply was you go to work frankly I don't care much about work right now and I think that they will survive without me. And there was the whole comment, "It was Gods will and there must be a reason." Hey there girlfriend, don't much care to hear you giving me reasons right now. Let me have some time for this to all sink in.

Come on people, don't be so stupid. We don't want to hear you trying to justify this in anyway at this point. If I do great, if you do then you make light of the heartache that I am feeling at this time. And what is even worse is that you make like of me. Give me the time that I want and need to get my head around what is really happening here.

On that note, my brain is still acting very numb. I don't think that I have processed anything yet.

The cravings are gone now. No real feelings of being pregnant at all. As a matter of fact I don't really remember the last time that I had cravings. I think that they have been gone for a while now. I wish the rest of this would happen faster than it is.

Uggg... it is so frustrating.